Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
