Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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