I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
