I checked into jail on foursquare
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drunk is not a location!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
