I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
