He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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