Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
