I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
