Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Houston, we have a blender
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
