The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize