apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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