Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
