AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We need to get me chipped asap
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
