what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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