The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i believe in u and ur pee
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
