i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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