Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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