She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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