I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
