you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
