When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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