I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
