there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
