My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
