so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
