how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
