If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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