he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
