Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
