I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
