I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
