He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize