Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
