I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
