i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
