made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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