I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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