After last night, I could never be a politician.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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