You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
