1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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