Cold hands, warm shart.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
