i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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