her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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