So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
