oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
