I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
