Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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