You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
