Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
