He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
