see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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