he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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