Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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