Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
