Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
