He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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