is your mom at the bar?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
