I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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