Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
