I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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