Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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