farters have to be the big spoon...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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