he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
