you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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