I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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