I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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