I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
