i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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