just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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