My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
