If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I will pee on everything he values.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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