Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
