I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
