I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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