Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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