I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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