Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
